How to Know if You’re the Problem
When assessing the possibility of being the problem in a relationship, you must prioritize self-reflection and seeking trustworthy feedback. If you recognize toxic traits within yourself and receive confirmation from reliable friends, you might indeed be the root cause of the relationship issues.
Self-reflect by overviewing your conflict patterns. Do you always get into the same arguments with different people? Do your arguments turn into brawls? Are you constantly defending yourself? If yes, you are likely to be the reason behind the fights.
Ask for feedback from your partner and honest friends. See if they consider you an irritable, rigid, or intimidating person. Look for recurring patterns in their responses.
Beware of manipulative comments, though. Some people might use this opportunity to guilt-bomb you. They may label you with toxic behaviors just so that you give in to their malicious desires. Choose your feedback pool carefully.
Signs You Could Be a Problem
The primary indicators of being a problem are repetitive conflicts, suppressed or concealed emotions, deficient communication skills, harbored insecurity and trust issues, and an inability to acknowledge and take responsibility.
Look for the following signs:
- Your conflicts have the same pattern. You change partners, but you retain patterns. If your interpersonal challenges are always the same, maybe it’s you, not them.
- You struggle with expressing emotions. If you expect your loved ones to read your mind, you might be a problem.
- Your communication style is destructive. If you talk in absolutes—“Always,” “Never,” “ever”—you are not communicating. And that’s a problem.
- You are excessively insecure. An insecure person becomes clingy and demands constant attention—a common issue in many relationships.
- You blame others. If you can’t see your part in a problem, you can’t solve the problem—you become the problem.
What to Do If You Are the Problem
Dr. Kati Morton, a licensed therapist, suggests three methods for healing from toxic behaviors. She encourages you to replace judgment with curiosity, practice emotion regulation, and focus on inner child healing.
Her pieces of advice in practice should look something like this:
- When someone is expressing an emotion, tune in to understand the reason. Be curious about how they feel and why. Put judgment aside, and don’t become defensive.
- Oversee your emotions. Your feelings don’t need to be a stormy ocean. You can regulate them, tone them down, or express them properly.
- Care for your childhood traumas. A lot of attachment issues sprout in your past—specifically your childhood. Before projecting them onto others, listen to what your traumas have to say.
See If You’re Becoming a Problem with a Personality Quiz
Do you still want to know if you are a problem? We’ve created a toxicity identifier quiz that can expose the answer. It determines if you are actually difficult to love or if it’s outside manipulation that’s making you feel guilty.
If something has made you self-question, “Am I a bad person?” this quiz is for you.
